We had our conference call with the facilitator in SoCal on Friday. I felt really good about her and felt like she would really do her best to find us a baby. When I got home later that day, I sat down to my computer and saw a picture of TenderHeart, at about 3 months old, on my screen. I took a picture of it and texted it to Husband saying, didn't we make the most beautiful babies?
That night after all the kids had gone to sleep, Husband said that he had been doing some thinking; about birth mothers who were smoking a pack a day or on drugs, about birth mothers asking for lots of money for "support", about walking away from a baby we so desperately wantd because the birth mom had changed her mind, and finally about our beautiful baby girls. He thought it might be a good idea to try IVF again.
I hung my head. When we finished our last frozen embryo transfer in August 2012, he was the more outspoken one, saying he didn't want to do anymore IVF cycles. Ever. And so, for almost 18 months, we have been trying on our own and end up disappointed month after month.
Yes, I said. I will do IVF again. But not with the same doctor. I checked online at what my options were. Lucky for us there are several IVF clinics in the Bay Area. We have an appointment with the new clinic on Monday.
Since I made my appointment, I keep reliving all my previous attempts. I did a fresh cycle in 2007 and got pregnant on the first try with our twins! We froze 4 embryos. We transferred 2 in March 2012 and only one survived for our attempt in August 2012. I thought about all the shots and the discomfort and the blood draws and wondered how I could manage it taking care of three kids?
I will be 35 in June, so now the clock is ticking against me for real. I am already happy with the service I have received from my new IVF clinic and I'm hoping they give me good news, that we can move forward quickly with treatment.
Adoption is not totally out of the picture. However the cost of doing an IVF cycle is much less than adoption. Even doing a few cycles will still be less expensive. Why should it be this way? But I'm still researching my options so that if something great comes up, we will be ready to go.
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Finding a facilitator
The advice I've seen most on adoption forums is to go with a small, local agency instead of the nation-wide ones. Mostly because you can get matched quicker and they don't (usually) charge the crazy fees that the bigger ones do.
I've searched and searched for an adoption agency in my area and I'm coming up empty handed, which shocks me. Like I've said, we live in the San Francisco Bay Area...I would think that we would have several choice for local agencies. It turns out that a big chunk of the agencies are devoted to either foster care or international adoption (which is not realistic for us).
In California, you can use an adoption facilitator to find a birth mother. They typically work with a smaller group of hopeful parents and their match times are fairly quick. They usually can charge a little less than an agency because they don't have such high overhead. To become an adoption facilitator, there are certain requirements, which you can find here (along with a list of facilitators in California). If you do not live in California, be aware that facilitators are not legal in every state.
I found a facilitator in the Bay Area and noticed on her website that she was trying to find a match for baby boy twins. Twins! Wouldn't that be fun to do again?! I had actually called her this past summer to discuss exactly what she did as a facilitator and found her to be very friendly and engaging. I excitedly called her...and called her...and called her. I think I called 7 times that day because no one answered; it kept going to voicemail. I did leave a message, but no one called back. I called the next day...three times. No answer. I sent an email. The third day I called and she finally answered!
I told her that I was calling about the birthmother with twins and she said, "what do you want to know?", almost annoyed that I was asking. So I asked a few questions, which she answered. She then asked about my family. When I told her I had three children, she said, "with so many children already, why on earth would anyone want another one?". I was taken aback by her response, but I chose to respond politely that we want a big family and it just hasn't worked out the old-fashioned way. She then asked, "do you have a big house or something?". "Um, no. Just a regular house," I told her, by now annoyed.
She said that she'd like to do a phone interview with my husband and me that would take 2-3 hours. Fine. And I'll have to send her lots of pictures of my family. Great. And I'll have to pay $950. For what? I asked. For the interview, she replied. On top of the $16,000 facilitation fee that she charges. Yeah, no thanks.
While I'm bummed that we won't be presented to the twins, I really can't see myself working with someone like that.
I called two other facilitators in California and had a much more pleasant experience, which was a relief. And we've even decided on one!
I've searched and searched for an adoption agency in my area and I'm coming up empty handed, which shocks me. Like I've said, we live in the San Francisco Bay Area...I would think that we would have several choice for local agencies. It turns out that a big chunk of the agencies are devoted to either foster care or international adoption (which is not realistic for us).
In California, you can use an adoption facilitator to find a birth mother. They typically work with a smaller group of hopeful parents and their match times are fairly quick. They usually can charge a little less than an agency because they don't have such high overhead. To become an adoption facilitator, there are certain requirements, which you can find here (along with a list of facilitators in California). If you do not live in California, be aware that facilitators are not legal in every state.
I found a facilitator in the Bay Area and noticed on her website that she was trying to find a match for baby boy twins. Twins! Wouldn't that be fun to do again?! I had actually called her this past summer to discuss exactly what she did as a facilitator and found her to be very friendly and engaging. I excitedly called her...and called her...and called her. I think I called 7 times that day because no one answered; it kept going to voicemail. I did leave a message, but no one called back. I called the next day...three times. No answer. I sent an email. The third day I called and she finally answered!
I told her that I was calling about the birthmother with twins and she said, "what do you want to know?", almost annoyed that I was asking. So I asked a few questions, which she answered. She then asked about my family. When I told her I had three children, she said, "with so many children already, why on earth would anyone want another one?". I was taken aback by her response, but I chose to respond politely that we want a big family and it just hasn't worked out the old-fashioned way. She then asked, "do you have a big house or something?". "Um, no. Just a regular house," I told her, by now annoyed.
She said that she'd like to do a phone interview with my husband and me that would take 2-3 hours. Fine. And I'll have to send her lots of pictures of my family. Great. And I'll have to pay $950. For what? I asked. For the interview, she replied. On top of the $16,000 facilitation fee that she charges. Yeah, no thanks.
While I'm bummed that we won't be presented to the twins, I really can't see myself working with someone like that.
I called two other facilitators in California and had a much more pleasant experience, which was a relief. And we've even decided on one!
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Recalculating...
You know how when you take a different route than your GPS has advised, it tells you it is "recalculating"? Well, we are taking a different route to our adoption.
We met with the foster agency (this is not through the county, by the way). The woman we met with was great and answered all our questions. Everything was going really great, until we talked about the chance that we would get an infant.
We were told that there are over 400 foster homes in our county and that they would get first "dibs" on an infant. But even if we did get an infant, chances are high that he or she would be reunited with his/her family. We started to talk about what kind of kids we could get and the conversation just started to snowball.
At first we said we wanted a child younger than our youngest (who is 4). When we were told that wasn't likely unless we took in siblings, we said we could take in two children. Then we were told if we raised the age we were looking for, we could get placed easier, so we said we might consider a girl if she was 8 or younger and then a toddler or infant (hopefully a boy). As the conversation continued, I said to myself, "What is happening here? I want a baby!"
So that night, I thought and I thought. I didn't say anything to my husband yet because I wanted the foster situation to sink in, to be sure that it was not what I wanted. The next evening, I told him how I felt and he agreed with me.
So despite the insane costs, we have decided to pursue private infant adoption. We are going to get a baby! I am so excited even though it does not seem real yet.
We met with the foster agency (this is not through the county, by the way). The woman we met with was great and answered all our questions. Everything was going really great, until we talked about the chance that we would get an infant.
We were told that there are over 400 foster homes in our county and that they would get first "dibs" on an infant. But even if we did get an infant, chances are high that he or she would be reunited with his/her family. We started to talk about what kind of kids we could get and the conversation just started to snowball.
At first we said we wanted a child younger than our youngest (who is 4). When we were told that wasn't likely unless we took in siblings, we said we could take in two children. Then we were told if we raised the age we were looking for, we could get placed easier, so we said we might consider a girl if she was 8 or younger and then a toddler or infant (hopefully a boy). As the conversation continued, I said to myself, "What is happening here? I want a baby!"
So that night, I thought and I thought. I didn't say anything to my husband yet because I wanted the foster situation to sink in, to be sure that it was not what I wanted. The next evening, I told him how I felt and he agreed with me.
So despite the insane costs, we have decided to pursue private infant adoption. We are going to get a baby! I am so excited even though it does not seem real yet.
Monday, January 13, 2014
Unsettled
We are starting to tell some close friends about our plan to adopt through foster care. Everyone is really upbeat and supportive, which is so helpful. My parents, on the other hand, are a little more cautiously upbeat. I totally understand that and I will take whatever support I can get.
I did a little more research into private adoption. We found an adoption facilitator about an hour away. It looks like adoptions through her service run $20k to $40k. Nothing to sneeze at, that's for sure. On one hand, it is very tempting to spend the money and know (almost) exactly what you will be getting. On the other, putting so much money on the line when there is still a risk and emotional roller coaster attached is scary.
Every single adoption agency I've looked into has glowing reviews as well as people who absolutely hated them. I know I should take the reviews with a grain of salt, but it sure makes for a lot of confusion.
Last night, Husband expressed concern at bringing a newborn into our home. His muscular dystrophy is progressing and he says he feels like a 70-year-old instead of a 38-year-old. He wants another child but he is worried about the work that it will be and the extra burden it will be on me. I am trying to put my faith in the Lord that if He will bless us with another child, He will also bless us with the strength to raise him.
Tomorrow is our meeting with the foster agency. I am so anxious and ready to meet with them!
I did a little more research into private adoption. We found an adoption facilitator about an hour away. It looks like adoptions through her service run $20k to $40k. Nothing to sneeze at, that's for sure. On one hand, it is very tempting to spend the money and know (almost) exactly what you will be getting. On the other, putting so much money on the line when there is still a risk and emotional roller coaster attached is scary.
Every single adoption agency I've looked into has glowing reviews as well as people who absolutely hated them. I know I should take the reviews with a grain of salt, but it sure makes for a lot of confusion.
Last night, Husband expressed concern at bringing a newborn into our home. His muscular dystrophy is progressing and he says he feels like a 70-year-old instead of a 38-year-old. He wants another child but he is worried about the work that it will be and the extra burden it will be on me. I am trying to put my faith in the Lord that if He will bless us with another child, He will also bless us with the strength to raise him.
Tomorrow is our meeting with the foster agency. I am so anxious and ready to meet with them!
Thursday, January 9, 2014
"Embrace and Shape the Future"
My grandma posted this quote on her Facebook the other day (yes, my grandma is so with it...on Facebook and everything!). It totally struck me how well it fits in with my word for this year {Embrace}:
"God expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future--to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities."
--Jeffrey R. Holland
"God expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future--to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities."
--Jeffrey R. Holland
If there ever were a message for my life right now, this would sure be it. I am in charge of my future. I am the one who can make it awesome. It is up to me to meet the future--whatever it may be--and grab it, squeeze it tight, get everything I can out of it. I am powerful!
In other news, I'm a little bummed (ok, a lot) because we had to cancel our orientation meeting with the Foster agency. My little Sparkle Eyes has strep throat and has to stay home from school. Want to know something funny, though? On my way home from the doctor (and after I had called to cancel our meeting) I saw a van on the freeway and it was from the Foster agency. Never before would I have noticed a van like this (the name of the agency isn't even on the van, just the website). But because I had visited the website, I recognized it!
On the drive home, I was a little discouraged and wondering if these roadblocks it feels like we are facing are meant to be a stop sign? But after seeing that van, my faith was renewed. : )
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Searching the web
We have an orientation meeting with the Foster Agency this week and I was surfing the web, looking for some information online that might spark any questions we would have. We are going into this mostly blind; we don't personally know anyone who has adopted through foster care.
I also was looking for some information on private adoption (wherein you find the birth mother and arrange the adoption details with an adoption attorney). I typed in "adoption attorney" and my city and the search results were super limited. I was kind of surprised. I live in one of the largest metro areas in the country and there's no one here who has put together a website about private adoption? It is frustrating to say the least.
I don't know why adoption seems so secret and covert. Why are there so many hurdles to just finding out information???
In a bit of desperation, I reserved several books about adoption at the library. Though some of them are a little older, they will at least give us a sense of the process and the costs (as well as the risks!) involved.
I also was looking for some information on private adoption (wherein you find the birth mother and arrange the adoption details with an adoption attorney). I typed in "adoption attorney" and my city and the search results were super limited. I was kind of surprised. I live in one of the largest metro areas in the country and there's no one here who has put together a website about private adoption? It is frustrating to say the least.
I don't know why adoption seems so secret and covert. Why are there so many hurdles to just finding out information???
In a bit of desperation, I reserved several books about adoption at the library. Though some of them are a little older, they will at least give us a sense of the process and the costs (as well as the risks!) involved.
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