Drought

Things are getting dry and thirsty here in California.  We've been days (and days) without rain.  There's also been hardly any snow in the Sierras.  That means big trouble for us Californians.

The leaders of our church have asked us to fast for rain to relieve this drought.  Traditionally, the first Sunday of the month is set aside as a day of fasting, to focus on strengthening our spirit and our relationship with Christ.  It is also an appropriate time to pray in earnest for something that you need: strength, health, blessings, peace, whatever it may be.  And this month we are also asked to pray for rain.

There are several other denominations praying as well, many at the same time.  What a powerful uniting of faith that will be!

As I lay in bed the night before the fast, I said my own prayer to not only relieve the drought throughout our state, but the drought of fertility in me.  It came out as a sort of poem.  I thought I'd share some of it here.

Dear Father in Heaven,

I pray that Thou will relieve this drought.

Send rain that will spill down the streets

Quench the thirsty plants

Bathe the dusty fields in life-giving water

Bless this land that it may be fertile

Bring forth the abundance we need.

 

O Father, relieve this drought in my womb.

Cleanse my sorrow and longing, that it may be wiped away.

Fill me with life-giving power

Bless me with strength to bring forth children unto Thee

 

Let the rain pour down upon me and replenish me as it does the Earth

Let me fulfill Thy command to multiply

Relieve the drought in my heart

Let it burst forth to spill over a new child

Bring me out of the desert of my longing

And into the Spring of new life.

There was more, but I didn't write it down.  : (  But you can get the sentiment.  I thought it was appropriate.  I know that our drought will find relief just as I will soon be blessed to "come out of the desert".

Even More to Think About

We had our conference call with the facilitator in SoCal on Friday.  I felt really good about her and felt like she would really do her best to find us a baby.  When I got home later that day, I sat down to my computer and saw a picture of TenderHeart, at about 3 months old, on my screen.  I took a picture of it and texted it to Husband saying, didn't we make the most beautiful babies?

That night after all the kids had gone to sleep, Husband said that he had been doing some thinking; about birth mothers who were smoking a pack a day or on drugs, about birth mothers asking for lots of money for "support", about walking away from a baby we so desperately wantd because the birth mom had changed her mind, and finally about our beautiful baby girls.  He thought it might be a good idea to try IVF again.

I hung my head.  When we finished our last frozen embryo transfer in August 2012, he was the more outspoken one, saying he didn't want to do anymore IVF cycles.  Ever.  And so, for almost 18 months, we have been trying on our own and end up disappointed month after month.

Yes, I said.  I will do IVF again.  But not with the same doctor.  I checked online at what my options were.  Lucky for us there are several IVF clinics in the Bay Area.  We have an appointment with the new clinic on Monday.

Since I made my appointment, I keep reliving all my previous attempts.  I did a fresh cycle in 2007 and got pregnant on the first try with our twins!  We froze 4 embryos.  We transferred 2 in March 2012 and only one survived for our attempt in August 2012.  I thought about all the shots and the discomfort and the blood draws and wondered how I could manage it taking care of three kids?

I  will be 35 in June, so now the clock is ticking against me for real.  I am already happy with the service I have received from my new IVF clinic and I'm hoping they give me good news, that we can move forward quickly with treatment.

Adoption is not totally out of the picture.  However the cost of doing an IVF cycle is much less than adoption.  Even doing a few cycles will still be less expensive.  Why should it be this way?  But I'm still researching my options so that if something great comes up, we will be ready to go.

Book Review: Instant Mom

I am a book lover.  And, when I'm faced with an unknown situation, I find as many books as I can on the subject.  Combine these with our upcoming adoption and...voila! I'm reading a mountain of books with an adoption theme.  So get ready for my book reviews each week.  Hopefully they will help you find something great to read.

 

image via stylecarrot.com

 

 My very first book was Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos.  Nia is famous for writing and starring in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".  She adopted her then three-year-old daughter through foster care and chronicled her experiences in her book.

Vardalos gives a little bit of background on her and her husband (another actor, Ian Gomez).  She tells of her struggles with infertility and the numerous (!) IVF treatments she endured.  This is all set against her life as an actress and trying to keep her private life private.

Wonderfully, Nia and her husband are matched with a three-year-old girl and the reader gets to see first hand what some of the trials might be with adopting a toddler: rage, acting out, sleep problems (ie: no sleep at all).  Vardalos is at the same time honest and self-deprecating.  It is great to go through her journey with her to see the progress her daughter makes with the love and dedication of her new parents.

As I read it, I wondered how I would handle a toddler like this (in my home of three boisterous girls).  I realized that not only would it be a huge task for my husband and myself to help this little one, it would take a major toll on our girls.  Even with the best situation, it would be difficult to bring a little person (rather than a baby) into our home...right now. 

I think it's awesome that Vardalos chose to go through foster care as opposed to the "celebrity way" of adopting a baby internationally.  Doesn't it seem very few celebrities are adopting domestically lately?  It doesn't really make any difference to me, but it does seem that international adoptions are all the rage in the celebrity world.

She says she didn't choose to be the spokeswoman for adoption, specifically foster adoption.  And I don't really empathize with that because for those of us who have endured infertility, we didn't want to be a spokeswoman for that either, but that is the trial that made us who we are, right?  We need women with voices to speak for those who are too scared or shy to have one.  And if she's a little uncomfortable with being in the spotlight for adoption, I'm sure a hug from fellow adoptive parent Hugh Jackman can make things alright.  I'm just sayin...

Overall, this is a quick read and a great peek into the life of someone who chose to do foster care.  I wish the foster care part was a little more detailed (it seems so much of it is unknown that bringing it out of the shadows might encourage more people to consider it), but it is a fun little book.  I give it 2 1/2 out of 5 stars.

Finding a facilitator

The advice I've seen most on adoption forums is to go with a small, local agency instead of the nation-wide ones.  Mostly because you can get matched quicker and they don't (usually) charge the crazy fees that the bigger ones do.

I've searched and searched for an adoption agency in my area and I'm coming up empty handed, which shocks me.  Like I've said, we live in the San Francisco Bay Area...I would think that we would have several choice for local agencies.  It turns out that a big chunk of the agencies are devoted to either foster care or international adoption (which is not realistic for us).

In California, you can use an adoption facilitator to find a birth mother.  They typically work with a smaller group of hopeful parents and their match times are fairly quick.  They usually can charge a little less than an agency because they don't have such high overhead.  To become an adoption facilitator, there are certain requirements, which you can find here (along with a list of facilitators in California).  If you do not live in California, be aware that facilitators are not legal in every state.

I found a facilitator in the Bay Area and noticed on her website that she was trying to find a match for baby boy twins.  Twins!  Wouldn't that be fun to do again?!  I had actually called her this past summer to discuss exactly what she did as a facilitator and found her to be very friendly and engaging.  I excitedly called her...and called her...and called her.  I think I called 7 times that day because no one answered; it kept going to voicemail.  I did leave a message, but no one called back.  I called the next day...three times.  No answer.  I sent an email.  The third day I called and she finally answered!

I told her that I was calling about the birthmother with twins and she said, "what do you want to know?", almost annoyed that I was asking.  So I asked a few questions, which she answered.  She then asked about my family.  When I told her I had three children, she said, "with so many children already, why on earth would anyone want another one?".  I was taken aback by her response, but I chose to respond politely that we want a big family and it just hasn't worked out the old-fashioned way.  She then asked, "do you have a big house or something?".  "Um, no.  Just a regular house," I told her, by now annoyed.

She said that she'd like to do a phone interview with my husband and me that would take 2-3 hours.  Fine.  And I'll have to send her lots of pictures of my family.  Great.  And I'll have to pay $950.  For what? I asked.  For the interview, she replied.  On top of the $16,000 facilitation fee that she charges.  Yeah, no thanks.

While I'm bummed that we won't be presented to the twins, I really can't see myself working with someone like that.

I called two other facilitators in California and had a much more pleasant experience, which was a relief.  And we've even decided on one!

Recalculating...

You know how when you take a different route than your GPS has advised, it tells you it is "recalculating"?  Well, we are taking a different route to our adoption.

We met with the foster agency (this is not through the county, by the way).  The woman we met with was great and answered all our questions.  Everything was going really great, until we talked about the chance that we would get an infant.

We were told that there are over 400 foster homes in our county and that they would get first "dibs" on an infant.  But even if we did get an infant, chances are high that he or she would be reunited with his/her family.  We started to talk about what kind of kids we could get and the conversation just started to snowball. 

At first we said we wanted a child younger than our youngest (who is 4).  When we were told that wasn't likely unless we took in siblings, we said we could take in two children.  Then we were told if we raised the age we were looking for, we could get placed easier, so we said we might consider a girl if she was 8 or younger and then a toddler or infant (hopefully a boy).  As the conversation continued, I said to myself, "What is happening here?  I want a baby!"

So that night, I thought and I thought.  I didn't say anything to my husband yet because I wanted the foster situation to sink in, to be sure that it was not what I wanted.  The next evening, I told him how I felt and he agreed with me.

So despite the insane costs, we have decided to pursue private infant adoption.  We are going to get a baby!  I am so excited even though it does not seem real yet.

Unsettled

We are starting to tell some close friends about our plan to adopt through foster care.  Everyone is really upbeat and supportive, which is so helpful.  My parents, on the other hand, are a little more cautiously upbeat.  I totally understand that and I will take whatever support I can get.

I did a little more research into private adoption.  We found an adoption facilitator about an hour away.  It looks like adoptions through her service run $20k to $40k.  Nothing to sneeze at, that's for sure.  On one hand, it is very tempting to spend the money and know (almost) exactly what you will be getting.  On the other, putting so much money on the line when there is still a risk and emotional roller coaster attached is scary.

Every single adoption agency I've looked into has glowing reviews as well as people who absolutely hated them.  I know I should take the reviews with a grain of salt, but it sure makes for a lot of confusion.

Last night, Husband expressed concern at bringing a newborn into our home.  His muscular dystrophy is progressing and he says he feels like a 70-year-old instead of a 38-year-old.  He wants another child but he is worried about the work that it will be and the extra burden it will be on me.  I am trying to put my faith in the Lord that if He will bless us with another child, He will also bless us with the strength to raise him.

Tomorrow is our meeting with the foster agency.  I am so anxious and ready to meet with them!

"Embrace and Shape the Future"

My grandma posted this quote on her Facebook the other day (yes, my grandma is so with it...on Facebook and everything!).  It totally struck me how well it fits in with my word for this year {Embrace}:

"God expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future--to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities."

--Jeffrey R. Holland

 

If there ever were a message for my life right now, this would sure be it.  I am in charge of my future.  I am the one who can make it awesome.  It is up to me to meet the future--whatever it may be--and grab it, squeeze it tight, get everything I can out of it.  I am powerful!

 

In other news, I'm a little bummed (ok, a lot) because we had to cancel our orientation meeting with the Foster agency.  My little Sparkle Eyes has strep throat and has to stay home from school.  Want to know something funny, though?  On my way home from the doctor (and after I had called to cancel our meeting) I saw a van on the freeway and it was from the Foster agency.  Never before would I have noticed a van like this (the name of the agency isn't even on the van, just the website).  But because I had visited the website, I recognized it!

 

On the drive home, I was a little discouraged and wondering if these roadblocks it feels like we are facing are meant to be a stop sign?  But after seeing that van, my faith was renewed. : )



Searching the web

We have an orientation meeting with the Foster Agency this week and I was surfing the web, looking for some information online that might spark any questions we would have.  We are going into this mostly blind; we don't personally know anyone who has adopted through foster care.

I also was looking for some information on private adoption (wherein you find the birth mother and arrange the adoption details with an adoption attorney).  I typed in "adoption attorney" and my city and the search results were super limited.  I was kind of surprised.  I live in one of the largest metro areas in the country and there's no one here who has put together a website about private adoption?  It is frustrating to say the least.

I don't know why adoption seems so secret and covert.  Why are there so many hurdles to just finding out information???

In a bit of desperation, I reserved several books about adoption at the library.  Though some of them are a little older, they will at least give us a sense of the process and the costs (as well as the risks!) involved.

A Clean Calendar Page

I'm a little bleary-eyed this morning.  My youngest, Tootie, woke up at 4am and kept asking for different things to make her comfortable enough to go back to sleep.  Each time that happened, I was just about to fall asleep!  Makes for a frustrating 2 hours, for sure.  Husband and I flipped the lights on at 6am and decided to start the day.

Luckily, Tootie has preschool today.  It will be good for her to get back into a routine.  My big girls don't go back to school until tomorrow.  It has been a long and restful break (with a bit of the flu thrown in for good measure), but it's time for these kids to get back to school!

I'm excited to get back into a routine (although I won't be saying that when I'm getting the girls ready for school tomorrow morning).  But I do like checking things of my mental list.  The clean calendar page is inspiring me to get more accomplished.

Some of my plans for January:
~ continue working on training our 1 year old feisty and stubborn pup, Izzy.  The trainer comes this week and I'm hoping we've made some progress!
~ begin my next class through BYU Bachelor of General Studies program.  I've got about 18 credits left until I graduate, so I need to get crackin'!
~ get back to normal once our new refrigerator is installed at the end of this week.  Today marks one week since our refrigerator died.  Husband brought home his little one from the office.  While it has saved us, it is still really hard to cook the way I'm used to.  And I won't miss going to the grocery store every day or so!
~ get caught up on laundry and start organizing.  I think I'll start on the girls' bedrooms.
~ I've had the fabric for my kitchen curtains since the beginning of school (yikes! has it really been that long?!) and I need to just sit down and sew those bad boys already.
~ continue reading the Book of Mormon through daily Instagram reminders from @bofm365.  I love how it is holding me accountable and helping me to really focus on my reading.  Read along with me!

Isn't it exciting to have a fresh, new calendar page?  What plans do you have for this month?

Word of the Year 2014: {Embrace}

Last year was the first time I chose a word of the year.  I finally settled on "Forward" and I made myself a little sign to hang above my computer.  As the year was coming to an end, I wondered what word I would choose for this year.

It came to me in a quiet and piercing moment and I loved it instantly.  The word I have chosen is "Embrace".

In striving to keep on moving forward in 2013, I felt like so much flashed by.  I didn't try to savor the sweet moments like I had in the past.  I was hurting on the inside and felt like I kept my guard up a little too much.

So for this year, I want to remember to "Embrace":
~ I will stop trying to rush through life and enjoy the small and simple things; especially in spending time with my family.
~ I will accept the season of life I am in and not try to hurry through it, ultimately missing out on this special time.
~ I will put my trust in God and allow myself to feel His embrace, remembering that I am His daughter.
~ I will open my heart to a new child as we move forward in the adoption process.  I will embrace him in all that he is and be his safe place.
~ I will wrap my arms around my little ones more often and tell them that I love them.  I will hug my husband more, too.
~ I will take care of myself by being patient and uplifting in my difficult times.

See, there are so many different interpretations of "Embrace" that I can apply to my life!  I am excited to see what other definitions I can find throughout this year.

Have you chosen a word for 2014?  I'd love to hear what it is!

Meet Courtney

I married a tall accountant 10 years ago and we faced infertility shortly after we got married.  Following an ectopic (tubal pregnancy) when I was 25 (a year after we got married), we struggled to get pregnant.  After some failed fertility treatments, we pulled out the big guns and did IVF.  We got pregnant with twin girls on the first transfer!

We were pleasantly surprised to be blessed with another pregnancy 13 months later.  Our third little girl arrived when the twins were 22 months old.  {Thus, "3 Pink Ones".} Talk about a busy household!

I always dreamed of having a household of kids, but after trying for baby #4, nothing was happening.  I got pretty discouraged.  We did two frozen embryo transfers with embryos we had frozen from the twins' IVF procedure but were unsuccessful.  What followed was acupuncture, a little chinese medicine, herbal supplements, visits with a NaProTechnology specialist, and lots of prayer.  What didn't follow was another baby.

In 2013 I tried to come to terms with the fact that I would not be having any more children.  While I did feel a lot more peace on the subject, I still felt like we were supposed to add another child to our family.  We started to research adoption and have felt like this is the path we should take.  We decided to do foster care adoption, but don't know too much about it.  I thought other people might like to take this journey along with us to see how it really works.

One other thing that changes the game: my husband has muscular dystrophy.  It is an adult onset type that he told me about before we got married.  Because it is inherited recessively, our children should not get it but will be carriers.  It affects his legs mostly and is working its way into his shoulders and arms.  This is one reason we wanted to be young parents, so that he could play with them as much as he could when they were little.  He is the most patient man and bears this trial with so much grace.  It is scary to think about what will happen in the next 10 or 20 years, but I am {embracing} today.

We live in the SF Bay Area and love the beauty of this area.  The twins are 6 now ("TenderHeart" and "Sparkle Eyes") and my little "Tootie" is 4.  We also have a 1 year old puppy who drives us crazy half the time and melts us with her sweetness the rest of the time.

Thanks for coming along with me on this journey!