Where to go from here?

Since my last post we have done three IVF transfers.  The first one (one embryo transfer) resulted in a pregnancy!  However, at my 12 week appointment, the baby's heart had stopped beating.  We were so devastated.  I had a D&C the day after we found out and then a few more procedures in the office to make sure everything was cleaned out.  This was in August 2014.

In October, we felt ready to push forward with another transfer.  A week before Halloween, we transferred two embryos.  Neither one stuck.  We were shocked and disappointed, but hopeful for our remaining two embryos.

In December, the doctor found a polyp in my uterus during a routine ultrasound.  A hysteroscopy was scheduled for January 2nd.  What a way to start off the new year, right?  I got the green light to move ahead with our final embryo transfer.

On Friday, February 13th, we transferred our last two embryos.  One of them stuck and we were so, so excited for this pregnancy.  Unfortunately, at my 14 week appointment, I went through the same exact scenario: the baby's heart and stopped beating and I needed another D&C. 

This miscarriage felt especially tragic.  Not only had we lost a second baby in a short time, but we had no more embryos.  No more hope. 

My D&C seemed to go better than the last one, but it was not actually the case.  Just three weeks ago, about a month after my D&C, I had abnormal heavy bleeding that sent me to the ER.  After an ultrasound and discussion with my doctor, it was determined that I needed a second D&C.

This second one has been very difficult to heal from.  Three weeks later and I am just starting to feel better.

The Husband and I have had several discussions about what our next step will be.  We feel like I should not get pregnant again.  The stress of going through another pregnancy, afraid of miscarriage, is terrifying.  So that leaves adoption.

And that is where the next chapter of our story begins.

...and the roller coaster begins

We had our meeting with the new fertility doctor.  He's great.  His office is great.  We are really happy with our choice.  Next step: labs by the handful.  No sweat; we've been through this before.

I spoke with the financial counselor and it looked like we were covered by our insurance for IVF.  No way!  We were so excited.  We had been concerned about the cost and as she laid it out for me, it looked like we were going to have to pay very little out of pocket.

I started to tell some of my friends that we were going to do IVF.  I started to get excited again.  All these emotions I had been stuffing down for the past 3 1/2 years were finally getting sorted out.

Then I got a message today from the financial counselor.  Apparently we are not covered for IVF.  What?  I am really confused.  I haven't been able to get a hold of her yet to find out what in the world is going on!  I haven't gotten a cost sheet from her yet, so I have no idea what kind of costs we are talking about.  I don't know what my insurance will cover.

And I am so depressed about all of this.  It is the first blow in this roller coaster that is called IVF.  You get your hopes up and then the ground falls out from underneath you.  Negative thoughts begin to creep in.  I'm pushing them away right now.  I just want the facts, ma'am.  Just the facts.

We are taking our girls to the Frozen Sing Along tonight.  We need to get out and do something as a family before tax season takes over our lives.  I think they will have a great time. 

Until next time, keep your fingers crossed that this financial situation gets straightened out!

Drought

Things are getting dry and thirsty here in California.  We've been days (and days) without rain.  There's also been hardly any snow in the Sierras.  That means big trouble for us Californians.

The leaders of our church have asked us to fast for rain to relieve this drought.  Traditionally, the first Sunday of the month is set aside as a day of fasting, to focus on strengthening our spirit and our relationship with Christ.  It is also an appropriate time to pray in earnest for something that you need: strength, health, blessings, peace, whatever it may be.  And this month we are also asked to pray for rain.

There are several other denominations praying as well, many at the same time.  What a powerful uniting of faith that will be!

As I lay in bed the night before the fast, I said my own prayer to not only relieve the drought throughout our state, but the drought of fertility in me.  It came out as a sort of poem.  I thought I'd share some of it here.

Dear Father in Heaven,

I pray that Thou will relieve this drought.

Send rain that will spill down the streets

Quench the thirsty plants

Bathe the dusty fields in life-giving water

Bless this land that it may be fertile

Bring forth the abundance we need.

 

O Father, relieve this drought in my womb.

Cleanse my sorrow and longing, that it may be wiped away.

Fill me with life-giving power

Bless me with strength to bring forth children unto Thee

 

Let the rain pour down upon me and replenish me as it does the Earth

Let me fulfill Thy command to multiply

Relieve the drought in my heart

Let it burst forth to spill over a new child

Bring me out of the desert of my longing

And into the Spring of new life.

There was more, but I didn't write it down.  : (  But you can get the sentiment.  I thought it was appropriate.  I know that our drought will find relief just as I will soon be blessed to "come out of the desert".

Even More to Think About

We had our conference call with the facilitator in SoCal on Friday.  I felt really good about her and felt like she would really do her best to find us a baby.  When I got home later that day, I sat down to my computer and saw a picture of TenderHeart, at about 3 months old, on my screen.  I took a picture of it and texted it to Husband saying, didn't we make the most beautiful babies?

That night after all the kids had gone to sleep, Husband said that he had been doing some thinking; about birth mothers who were smoking a pack a day or on drugs, about birth mothers asking for lots of money for "support", about walking away from a baby we so desperately wantd because the birth mom had changed her mind, and finally about our beautiful baby girls.  He thought it might be a good idea to try IVF again.

I hung my head.  When we finished our last frozen embryo transfer in August 2012, he was the more outspoken one, saying he didn't want to do anymore IVF cycles.  Ever.  And so, for almost 18 months, we have been trying on our own and end up disappointed month after month.

Yes, I said.  I will do IVF again.  But not with the same doctor.  I checked online at what my options were.  Lucky for us there are several IVF clinics in the Bay Area.  We have an appointment with the new clinic on Monday.

Since I made my appointment, I keep reliving all my previous attempts.  I did a fresh cycle in 2007 and got pregnant on the first try with our twins!  We froze 4 embryos.  We transferred 2 in March 2012 and only one survived for our attempt in August 2012.  I thought about all the shots and the discomfort and the blood draws and wondered how I could manage it taking care of three kids?

I  will be 35 in June, so now the clock is ticking against me for real.  I am already happy with the service I have received from my new IVF clinic and I'm hoping they give me good news, that we can move forward quickly with treatment.

Adoption is not totally out of the picture.  However the cost of doing an IVF cycle is much less than adoption.  Even doing a few cycles will still be less expensive.  Why should it be this way?  But I'm still researching my options so that if something great comes up, we will be ready to go.

Book Review: Instant Mom

I am a book lover.  And, when I'm faced with an unknown situation, I find as many books as I can on the subject.  Combine these with our upcoming adoption and...voila! I'm reading a mountain of books with an adoption theme.  So get ready for my book reviews each week.  Hopefully they will help you find something great to read.

 

image via stylecarrot.com

 

 My very first book was Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos.  Nia is famous for writing and starring in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".  She adopted her then three-year-old daughter through foster care and chronicled her experiences in her book.

Vardalos gives a little bit of background on her and her husband (another actor, Ian Gomez).  She tells of her struggles with infertility and the numerous (!) IVF treatments she endured.  This is all set against her life as an actress and trying to keep her private life private.

Wonderfully, Nia and her husband are matched with a three-year-old girl and the reader gets to see first hand what some of the trials might be with adopting a toddler: rage, acting out, sleep problems (ie: no sleep at all).  Vardalos is at the same time honest and self-deprecating.  It is great to go through her journey with her to see the progress her daughter makes with the love and dedication of her new parents.

As I read it, I wondered how I would handle a toddler like this (in my home of three boisterous girls).  I realized that not only would it be a huge task for my husband and myself to help this little one, it would take a major toll on our girls.  Even with the best situation, it would be difficult to bring a little person (rather than a baby) into our home...right now. 

I think it's awesome that Vardalos chose to go through foster care as opposed to the "celebrity way" of adopting a baby internationally.  Doesn't it seem very few celebrities are adopting domestically lately?  It doesn't really make any difference to me, but it does seem that international adoptions are all the rage in the celebrity world.

She says she didn't choose to be the spokeswoman for adoption, specifically foster adoption.  And I don't really empathize with that because for those of us who have endured infertility, we didn't want to be a spokeswoman for that either, but that is the trial that made us who we are, right?  We need women with voices to speak for those who are too scared or shy to have one.  And if she's a little uncomfortable with being in the spotlight for adoption, I'm sure a hug from fellow adoptive parent Hugh Jackman can make things alright.  I'm just sayin...

Overall, this is a quick read and a great peek into the life of someone who chose to do foster care.  I wish the foster care part was a little more detailed (it seems so much of it is unknown that bringing it out of the shadows might encourage more people to consider it), but it is a fun little book.  I give it 2 1/2 out of 5 stars.

Finding a facilitator

The advice I've seen most on adoption forums is to go with a small, local agency instead of the nation-wide ones.  Mostly because you can get matched quicker and they don't (usually) charge the crazy fees that the bigger ones do.

I've searched and searched for an adoption agency in my area and I'm coming up empty handed, which shocks me.  Like I've said, we live in the San Francisco Bay Area...I would think that we would have several choice for local agencies.  It turns out that a big chunk of the agencies are devoted to either foster care or international adoption (which is not realistic for us).

In California, you can use an adoption facilitator to find a birth mother.  They typically work with a smaller group of hopeful parents and their match times are fairly quick.  They usually can charge a little less than an agency because they don't have such high overhead.  To become an adoption facilitator, there are certain requirements, which you can find here (along with a list of facilitators in California).  If you do not live in California, be aware that facilitators are not legal in every state.

I found a facilitator in the Bay Area and noticed on her website that she was trying to find a match for baby boy twins.  Twins!  Wouldn't that be fun to do again?!  I had actually called her this past summer to discuss exactly what she did as a facilitator and found her to be very friendly and engaging.  I excitedly called her...and called her...and called her.  I think I called 7 times that day because no one answered; it kept going to voicemail.  I did leave a message, but no one called back.  I called the next day...three times.  No answer.  I sent an email.  The third day I called and she finally answered!

I told her that I was calling about the birthmother with twins and she said, "what do you want to know?", almost annoyed that I was asking.  So I asked a few questions, which she answered.  She then asked about my family.  When I told her I had three children, she said, "with so many children already, why on earth would anyone want another one?".  I was taken aback by her response, but I chose to respond politely that we want a big family and it just hasn't worked out the old-fashioned way.  She then asked, "do you have a big house or something?".  "Um, no.  Just a regular house," I told her, by now annoyed.

She said that she'd like to do a phone interview with my husband and me that would take 2-3 hours.  Fine.  And I'll have to send her lots of pictures of my family.  Great.  And I'll have to pay $950.  For what? I asked.  For the interview, she replied.  On top of the $16,000 facilitation fee that she charges.  Yeah, no thanks.

While I'm bummed that we won't be presented to the twins, I really can't see myself working with someone like that.

I called two other facilitators in California and had a much more pleasant experience, which was a relief.  And we've even decided on one!

Recalculating...

You know how when you take a different route than your GPS has advised, it tells you it is "recalculating"?  Well, we are taking a different route to our adoption.

We met with the foster agency (this is not through the county, by the way).  The woman we met with was great and answered all our questions.  Everything was going really great, until we talked about the chance that we would get an infant.

We were told that there are over 400 foster homes in our county and that they would get first "dibs" on an infant.  But even if we did get an infant, chances are high that he or she would be reunited with his/her family.  We started to talk about what kind of kids we could get and the conversation just started to snowball. 

At first we said we wanted a child younger than our youngest (who is 4).  When we were told that wasn't likely unless we took in siblings, we said we could take in two children.  Then we were told if we raised the age we were looking for, we could get placed easier, so we said we might consider a girl if she was 8 or younger and then a toddler or infant (hopefully a boy).  As the conversation continued, I said to myself, "What is happening here?  I want a baby!"

So that night, I thought and I thought.  I didn't say anything to my husband yet because I wanted the foster situation to sink in, to be sure that it was not what I wanted.  The next evening, I told him how I felt and he agreed with me.

So despite the insane costs, we have decided to pursue private infant adoption.  We are going to get a baby!  I am so excited even though it does not seem real yet.